Author: Jay-Ram

Hello. My name is Jay-Ram (Jay-ROM) and I'm an Indian-American who's been a pharmaceutical chemist and writer for many years. My fascination with science began as a nine year-old watching shows like "Bill-Nye The Science Guy" and "The Magic School Bus." Having a scientifically inclined thinking allows me to unconventional solutions to problems, which allowed me to help friends and colleagues. I believe that the spirit of science is to find truth and help others; as the great scientist and philosopher Carl Sagan once said, “Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality.”

No Reservations On Black Friday

~ Jay-Ram ~ Leave a comment

So Black Friday, why do we call it Black Friday? Perhaps there’s a racial undertone towards black people: deals so cheap, it feels like you’re stealing. Black is often used as an adjective for hidden things, and unfortunately carries a negative connotation. The government conducts “black” operations that we don’t know about, we drink black coffee to hide that we are tired, the color black is also known as the absence of all color. Black Friday: maybe we’re trying to hide how miserable we really are as Americans with buying things. We use credit (money we don’t have) to spend on things we don’t need (consumer marketing) to impress people we don’t really know ( Facebook, twitter, and tumblr).

This morning, I reached over to grab my phone. The time read 8:05 AM, and the battery died about 5 seconds later. I forgot to charge the damn thing last night. You see, my charger is located in vastly far region of… next to my bed. Now, a normal person in this situation would simply make it a point to charge their phone regularly. Not me and my brain: “Hey, it’s Black Friday. I should get a battery-pack enhancer for my phone.” What an idea! Something to take my laziness to the next level of pathetic.

I like Black Friday, but not because of the sales on flat-screen TV’s, flashy new tablets or sharp knives that can cut through my shoes: so much pointless merchandise! I like Black Friday because it illustrates how America is progressing as a country. About twenty-four hours previous to Black Friday we celebrate Thanksgiving, formerly a farmer’s holiday to celebrate a successful crop harvest. I couldn’t remember the last time I grew something, so instead I gave thanks for can openers this year. I once tried growing a pineapple tree. It took too long, so I just went to the store and brought one. But then I had to cut it, and screw manual labor, so I ended up bringing home a can of sliced pineapples, and ate them. Couldn’t have done it without the can opener. Makes my life 100 times easier.

The first Thanksgiving is popularly considered to be the day when Puritans learned how to farm from the native tribes. Before the Natives lent a hand, these people were dying from starvation, malnutrition and disease. The indigenous people had survival skills, and the Puritans needed them. But little did the indigenous people know that their kindness would be reciprocated with The Trail of Tears, Manifest Destiny, crappy housing reservations, and an annual “holiday” to remind them of how badly they got fucked over. In return, they eventually sucked out their land, exiled their people and raped their daughters like parasites.

Black Friday: a day of shopping gluttony, preceded by a day of Thanksgiving food gluttony, followed by a Saturday of holiday media gluttony. If there’s a reason why Americans are the most obese people in the world, this might have something to do with it. But I still have some “reservations” about how we treat people.

Screw “Y.O.L.O.” And Escargot

~ Jay-Ram ~ Leave a comment

You only live once!

– hold on a sec –

If rap lyrics make people aware about having limited time on Earth, and if one of those morons plows through a mountain of cocaine and dies, they will not receive my sympathy. In fact, I wouldn’t feel sympathy for anyone who died doing what they wanted. I’d be happy for them! Wouldn’t you? We all have to die eventually. The other day, I read an article about a married Japanese couple that had sex for the first time. Both died at climax from heart attack. What a way to go!

It makes you wonder about people. If the phrase “YOLO” stimulates a response in the cerebral cortex of people to make stupid decisions… the reality of their life must have sucked pretty bad. You’ve got other problems if rap lyrics are the “10 Commandments” of your life. I would suggest a better source of motivation. Perhaps Buddhism. Those guys seem pretty detached from the world.

A lot of people give Drake, and most recently, Nikki Minaj, criticism about not living their lifestyle according to their lyrics. Honestly, who cares? Most people don’t even have the money to live a posh lifestyle, so perhaps their disillusionment needs to be facilitated with drugs and alcohol. I have no complaint towards actor-turned-rapper Drake, or the message he delivers. Actually, inspiration can come from any source. The other day, I accidentally stepped on a snail outside my door. I was really upset. But then I realized that escargot might actually taste disgusting, and it inspired me to never try it.

People fail to understand that popular media figures don’t dictate how we should live life, they are just a reflection of our crappy selves. We used to think it was stupid that Romans killed the messenger if they weren’t satisfied with the message. Now we worship messengers that bring us unsatisfying messages. What the hell is going on?

Maybe I’ll try escargot if explicitly stated on Nikki Minaj’s new single.

6 Ways To Confirm If You’re Following Correct Advice

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“Work hard, eat right, and sleep well.” Whenever we hear a cliché response such as this for success advice, I’m sure a certain friend, relative, or perky fitness trainer comes to mind. For me, it’s my cynical old grandmother. Chances are, they probably aren’t superstar-level successful since they can’t apply what they teach. This checklist is a serious effort to make sure that you are succeeding. Just don’t take it that seriously though. Seriously.

You can’t fall asleep when trying to going to bed, and have difficulty waking up the next morning. Sound familiar? Excellent. I’ve had the same problem many times. This means that you’re too busy stressing out about the things you want, should, or could be doing better with your life – or maybe you just have kids and annoying gardener that makes too much noise —  either way, getting a good amount of sleep clearly indicates that you are living a stress-free life. If you’re sleeping, you’re not succeeding. If you suffer from getting a good amount of sleep every night, here are some ways to prevent it: listen to the radio, eat sugary foods, or try self-manufactured cocaine if you want a calorie-free option. It helped Charlie Sheen succeed, it might just work for you.

  •  Eating out daily like a wealthy food critic

I really love sleep. So why sacrifice time making food, when you can catch up on valuable sleep? You’re already lacking sleep from a busy schedule of being productive. Only people who have time to waste can actually sit down at the table and enjoy breakfast. Eating out constantly means that you have the ability to fork out $10-20 dollars per meal because of a well-paying job. So that means you are already succeeding financially! If you don’t have the money to eat out constantly, try eating for free at weddings. You just need to find a plan to sneak in somehow.

  • You get a lot of unexplained headaches

Ah yes, the best indicator of success: if you’re not getting headaches, you’re not using your brain enough. Like any other muscle in the body, the brain gets sore if you use it too much. Thinking exercises the brain. Migraines are EVEN better because, unlike regular headaches, they feel like an ax splitting your head open. That means your brain is growing at an unprecedented rate – and a big brain can always help you succeed. If you’re not getting headaches, try getting less sleep and eating out more frequently. This way, you can develop high blood-pressure and abnormally high triglyceride levels. If you’re worried about gaining weight, you can always order exercise equipment off of a crappy infomercial, or watch YouTube workout videos of mid-western ninja masters.

Whoa, hold on Jay-Ram! You promised six tips, yet you only gave us three. Way to mislead us! 

No, no I totally gave you six! Just re-read the beginning of the post 😉

Have a list of your own? Forgot to add something? Feel free to share your thoughts below!

Going “Nuts” For Cashews

~ Jay-Ram ~ 2 Comments

I was eating a bag of crunchy, lightly-salted Cashew nuts today. They have a contrasting texture that is rough on the outside, and smooth on the inside. The delicious nuts can be very addicting; full bag of nuts one moment — next thing you know — empty bag. My throat started to get itchy from mild allergies, yet I couldn’t stop eating the nuts because they were very tasty. It is really fun to chomp down on their semi-hard surface with my front two teeth, and chew away with my molars. The extra salt on them was dehydrating, so I drank something to quench my thirst. I could just stop eating them: but I was addicted. The crunchy goodness got the better of me and I finished the entire bag.

You Might Be Racist If You Didn’t Know This Little Fact

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I failed an exam pretty badly last year, so this year I changed it up a bit. I decided that I would ace every single exam by doing study groups with people. Teachers always recommend study groups, but they don’t tell you that all the one’s that get A’s are hiding away in their basements, studying themselves; and the material. So instead, you get stuck with studying with hollywood wanna-be’s and straight-C students. Like this one time, I decided to do a study group for an exam with some Asian kids. The professor recommended doing the study guide before the exam day, but procrastination recommended I do it tomorrow to keep the material “fresh.” In the middle of studying, one of my Middle-eastern friends decided to put on her headphones and listen to music (In case you were wondering, Middle-Eastern is also Asian, like Russians are Asian…you racist). The music was so loud, we could hear it through her headphones, and she even sang along with the lyrics! People looked at us in the study center with huge open eyes. I couldn’t tell if she was just bad at singing, or if it was just the foreign lyrics. We kept telling her to shut up her miserable American Idol audition, but she refused by calling us racists. I did not understand how telling her to shut up her ethnic singing in a quiet area is a suppression of her culture.

We all felt hopeless about this exam, and mentally checked out long ago. My friend decided that the best time to learn about her people would be…now. She proceeded to take out her smart-phone, and started teaching us random facts about her people. I was annoyed at her until she read me a fact that stated her ethnic group is almost extinct.

Did Darwinism take over because her ancestors pissed off the neighbors by singing cultural songs all day? I’m sorry you just realized that you don’t have a bubble on the National Census sheet, but we have an EXAM in an hour. I don’t care if I pass with a C, but afterwards I have to go work on my screenplays to submit to Hollywood!

Changing My Ink Cartridge Reminds Me Of Nintendo

~ Jay-Ram ~ 4 Comments

My printer maintenance pissed me off today. I was trying to print out a document, and suddenly a screen popped up saying that the printer is cleaning the cartridges. Why do ink cartridges need to be cleaned by my printer? Is there some asshole that is purposely packaging dirty ink cartridges? Shouldn’t they already be clean based on how much money I payed for them? Ink cartridges are expensive!

While the printer was cleaning out the cartridges, the power to my laptop died out. Great. I went back into my room, retrieved the power cord, and waited a few years for the operating system to turn back on. When the power finally came on, an indicator light said that I am out of cyan ink. It would not let me print until I replaced the cyan ink. Why the hell does a printer even need cyan ink to print out a black and white document. That’s nonsense!

I thought that maybe if could violently shake the ink cartridge and blow into the receptors, I could fool the printer into thinking that I replaced the ink. This was loosely based on a theory that I applied to old Nintendo video game cartridges. I wasn’t sure if I was surprised at the fact that it actually worked, or that technology hasn’t evolved since the 1980’s.

“Indian Toilet. Indian Toilet Paper.”

~ Jay-Ram ~ 4 Comments

You’ve been there. I know you have. You might not admit it, but we’ve all experienced one of the biggest fears known to the civilized world: having to take a dump without a clean toilet in sight.

I was nine years old when I first visited family in the country of India with my parents. After a lengthy eight-hour drive from the airport with no air conditioning through the overcrowded streets of rude people, rickshaws, and eunich beggars, the first thing I wanted to do after arriving at the destination was to visit the “porcelain bank” to make a deposit, and then take a nice hot shower to relax from a long day. I went inside the house and asked my new aunt where the bathroom was located, and she pointed outside to a brown and silver metal door. “The kingdom of relief awaits.” I thought as I walked outside. When I opened the door, I thought there was a misunderstanding. Inside, there was a porcelain hole in a small 3×5-foot closet with a large plastic cup underneath a water faucet; and a giant lizard on the ceiling wall. Confused, I went back inside and asked for the toilet again and also for some toilet paper. My aunt took me back outside, pointed to the hole in the ground and said “Indian toilet.” She then pointed to the cup and water faucet and said “Indian toilet paper.” I was shocked and disgusted at this idea. But nature was calling, and it does not care about morals or values when you have to go.

It’s not easy to squat over a hole in the ground to take a dump, let alone ignore a large lizard on the ceiling above. Sitting in that position made it impossible to relax enough to let anything pass through. After a few days, I was finally able to accomplish something. Sort of. Nothing says welcome to a foreign country better than having to clean up by splashing freezing water on your private credentials.

The following day, we went to go visit family friends that lived in the neighboring village. I had to go “fulfill my duties” again, but didn’t see a bathroom in sight. I asked my cousin, and he stood there for a minute. He then proceeded to give me his small half-filled bottle of water and chuckled as he pointed outside to the sunflower fields and said, “Indian toilet.”