So Black Friday, why do we call it Black Friday? Perhaps there’s a racial undertone towards black people: deals so cheap, it feels like you’re stealing. Black is often used as an adjective for hidden things, and unfortunately carries a negative connotation. The government conducts “black” operations that we don’t know about, we drink black coffee to hide that we are tired, the color black is also known as the absence of all color. Black Friday: maybe we’re trying to hide how miserable we really are as Americans with buying things. We use credit (money we don’t have) to spend on things we don’t need (consumer marketing) to impress people we don’t really know ( Facebook, twitter, and tumblr).

This morning, I reached over to grab my phone. The time read 8:05 AM, and the battery died about 5 seconds later. I forgot to charge the damn thing last night. You see, my charger is located in vastly far region of… next to my bed. Now, a normal person in this situation would simply make it a point to charge their phone regularly. Not me and my brain: “Hey, it’s Black Friday. I should get a battery-pack enhancer for my phone.” What an idea! Something to take my laziness to the next level of pathetic.

I like Black Friday, but not because of the sales on flat-screen TV’s, flashy new tablets or sharp knives that can cut through my shoes: so much pointless merchandise! I like Black Friday because it illustrates how America is progressing as a country. About twenty-four hours previous to Black Friday we celebrate Thanksgiving, formerly a farmer’s holiday to celebrate a successful crop harvest. I couldn’t remember the last time I grew something, so instead I gave thanks for can openers this year. I once tried growing a pineapple tree. It took too long, so I just went to the store and brought one. But then I had to cut it, and screw manual labor, so I ended up bringing home a can of sliced pineapples, and ate them. Couldn’t have done it without the can opener. Makes my life 100 times easier.

The first Thanksgiving is popularly considered to be the day when Puritans learned how to farm from the native tribes. Before the Natives lent a hand, these people were dying from starvation, malnutrition and disease. The indigenous people had survival skills, and the Puritans needed them. But little did the indigenous people know that their kindness would be reciprocated with The Trail of Tears, Manifest Destiny, crappy housing reservations, and an annual “holiday” to remind them of how badly they got fucked over. In return, they eventually sucked out their land, exiled their people and raped their daughters like parasites.

Black Friday: a day of shopping gluttony, preceded by a day of Thanksgiving food gluttony, followed by a Saturday of holiday media gluttony. If there’s a reason why Americans are the most obese people in the world, this might have something to do with it. But I still have some “reservations” about how we treat people.