Screw “Y.O.L.O.” And Escargot

You only live once!

– hold on a sec –

If rap lyrics make people aware about having limited time on Earth, and if one of those morons plows through a mountain of cocaine and dies, they will not receive my sympathy. In fact, I wouldn’t feel sympathy for anyone who died doing what they wanted. I’d be happy for them! Wouldn’t you? We all have to die eventually. The other day, I read an article about a married Japanese couple that had sex for the first time. Both died at climax from heart attack. What a way to go!

It makes you wonder about people. If the phrase “YOLO” stimulates a response in the cerebral cortex of people to make stupid decisions… the reality of their life must have sucked pretty bad. You’ve got other problems if rap lyrics are the “10 Commandments” of your life. I would suggest a better source of motivation. Perhaps Buddhism. Those guys seem pretty detached from the world.

A lot of people give Drake, and most recently, Nikki Minaj, criticism about not living their lifestyle according to their lyrics. Honestly, who cares? Most people don’t even have the money to live a posh lifestyle, so perhaps their disillusionment needs to be facilitated with drugs and alcohol. I have no complaint towards actor-turned-rapper Drake, or the message he delivers. Actually, inspiration can come from any source. The other day, I accidentally stepped on a snail outside my door. I was really upset. But then I realized that escargot might actually taste disgusting, and it inspired me to never try it.

People fail to understand that popular media figures don’t dictate how we should live life, they are just a reflection of our crappy selves. We used to think it was stupid that Romans killed the messenger if they weren’t satisfied with the message. Now we worship messengers that bring us unsatisfying messages. What the hell is going on?

Maybe I’ll try escargot if explicitly stated on Nikki Minaj’s new single.

6 Ways To Confirm If You’re Following Correct Advice

Work hard, eat right, and sleep well.” Whenever we hear a cliché response such as this for success advice, I’m sure a certain friend, relative, or perky fitness trainer comes to mind. For me, it’s my cynical old grandmother. Chances are, they probably aren’t superstar-level successful since they can’t apply what they teach. This checklist is a serious effort to make sure that you are succeeding. Just don’t take it that seriously though. Seriously.

You can’t fall asleep when trying to going to bed, and have difficulty waking up the next morning. Sound familiar? Excellent. I’ve had the same problem many times. This means that you’re too busy stressing out about the things you want, should, or could be doing better with your life – or maybe you just have kids and annoying gardener that makes too much noise —  either way, getting a good amount of sleep clearly indicates that you are living a stress-free life. If you’re sleeping, you’re not succeeding. If you suffer from getting a good amount of sleep every night, here are some ways to prevent it: listen to the radio, eat sugary foods, or try self-manufactured cocaine if you want a calorie-free option. It helped Charlie Sheen succeed, it might just work for you.

  •  Eating out daily like a wealthy food critic

I really love sleep. So why sacrifice time making food, when you can catch up on valuable sleep? You’re already lacking sleep from a busy schedule of being productive. Only people who have time to waste can actually sit down at the table and enjoy breakfast. Eating out constantly means that you have the ability to fork out $10-20 dollars per meal because of a well-paying job. So that means you are already succeeding financially! If you don’t have the money to eat out constantly, try eating for free at weddings. You just need to find a plan to sneak in somehow.

  • You get a lot of unexplained headaches

Ah yes, the best indicator of success: if you’re not getting headaches, you’re not using your brain enough. Like any other muscle in the body, the brain gets sore if you use it too much. Thinking exercises the brain. Migraines are EVEN better because, unlike regular headaches, they feel like an ax splitting your head open. That means your brain is growing at an unprecedented rate – and a big brain can always help you succeed. If you’re not getting headaches, try getting less sleep and eating out more frequently. This way, you can develop high blood-pressure and abnormally high triglyceride levels. If you’re worried about gaining weight, you can always order exercise equipment off of a crappy infomercial, or watch YouTube workout videos of mid-western ninja masters.

Whoa, hold on Jay-Ram! You promised six tips, yet you only gave us three. Way to mislead us! 

No, no I totally gave you six! Just re-read the beginning of the post 😉

Have a list of your own? Forgot to add something? Feel free to share your thoughts below!