Holidays are times of the year when large groups of miserable people purchase overpriced garbage. Stores are filled with waves of degenerates trying to find their perfect gifts: simple inorganic objects to define complex organic friendships. Seems like a daunting task, doesn’t it? Some people manage to do it. Nothing says “I love and greatly appreciate you” quite like an engraved, vibrating toothbrush.

Seems like nowadays, people would rather go into debt than be creative. It’s impressive for us to charge $100 on our credit card to gift a digital photo frame, but less impressive if we create a wooden frame for $5 with a real picture. Isn’t the latter more meaningful and cost-effective? Celebrating holidays have lost their meaning.

We used to celebrate with family. Now we spend time with loved ones.

What a nonsensical euphemism! It doesn’t make sense when people say “spend time.” “Spending” is a verb done with transactions, not loved ones. For example, “I spend money. I spend money on prostitutes with HIV. My family spends money on my funeral.” Americans are proficient in spending, especially money they don’t have. Perhaps a $1.5 trillion deficit and economic depression might be effective to mention here.

And what about “time?” Time is a man-made measurement. It is impossible to have a measurement. We don’t go around saying “I have centimeters.”

“Excuse me Travis, but how much for that bracelet?”

“About 1000 centimeters.”

“Well I only have 800 centimeters Travis. Can you lend me 200 on credit?”

That sounds silly. Don’t be disappointed that you don’t “have” enough time finding that perfect gift. It doesn’t exist. If you spend more time purchasing a gift for someone than you hang out with them, a minute of conversation is worth more than each crystal dial on the perfect watch.